Growing Pains

Sometimes life sucks. Period. Full stop. Sometimes life is like this train that has been derailed and no one can do anything to stop it - no kind words, no acts of pity, no motions of sympathy...and it is tough. You wrestle. Every moment is like a struggle to get your bearings and to realize that the world is not in fact crumbling before you. That was my life for a few months.

At the top of summer, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. It is still so weird for me to say that even now, and yet I know acceptance is part of the healing process. She went in for a routine mammogram and came out with an appointment for a biopsy because they had a found a small lump that needed examination. My family and I did our best to remain calm and not jump to conclusions, but our minds raced to the worst. Little did we know that we were all about to embark into a deep valley that would change us forever.

I remember the very moment when my sweet mama called me to let me know that the biopsy results came back positive for cancer. It was my first day of life group and I was sitting in my car waiting for a friend. My phone rang and I almost didn't answer, but something inside compelled me to....the moment I heard her voice choked with tears, it was all confirmed. I couldn't stop shaking, but my mind went into auto pilot and I continued on with the rest of my day. However, that was just the tip of the ice berg. From there my mom underwent appointment after appointment which eventually led to an MRI that showed yet another lump. That meant another biopsy. This one was so, so much worse and she was even rushed to the emergency room because of the amount of pain and swelling she was experiencing. It was there, in the middle of all that chaos, that I grew up. I know it sounds silly; I am 19 years old....I spent 5 months in Africa...I should be able to man up and handle all of this with grace and poise. Well, I didn't. You know what I did? I talked to doctors, kept track of medical records, did research, went to pretty much every building that Kaiser has on Sunset with my mom, prayed with my grandma, reasoned through the logic with my aunt, sent out updates to the community of people that surrounded us, and then....I cried. Every night. Even as I write this, the sense of loneliness and confusion swirl up around me and I can't do anything else but cry. People who promised to be there through thick and thin walked out, and I had no choice but to grow.

But the good new is...there is light at the end of every tunnel. It may sound cliche but it is Truth. My mom is now cancer free! She underwent a mastectomy and now has to take hormone-blocking pills every day, but she is CANCER FREE :). No chemo therapy or radiation needed. She is free. We are free. I am free. See, yes, there are times when nothing hurts more than getting up in the morning and having to face the rest of your day. But those times will end. A lot of people chose to walk away from my life, but so many others chose to walk in, and for that, I can't help but be thankful.

I'm not saying that now everything is all sunshine and roses. Not even close! There are days when I miss those that are gone. There are days when my mom looks in the mirror and cries. There are days when all of the faith that my family had during those rough weeks go flying out the window and we struggle to see the hand of God in our current struggle. But then there are the good days. There are days when I sit with my best friends and  laugh for hours. There are days when my mom talks excitedly about going back to school. There are days when my family sits together and does nothing but enjoy the fact that we have each other. Those are priceless.

Whatever you're going though, recognize that yes, it sucks. Yes, you might cry...a lot. Yes, there might not be anything you or anyone can really do about it right now but pray...and sometimes, to be honest, that doesn't even help. But also recognize that you are growing! Know that one day, when all of this is behind you, you will look back and see just how far you've come. I do it all the time, and it makes me excited to keep going. There is hope for you and me yet ;)

Always,
A Hungry Heart